SESSION V: This session was timed to coincide with my solar return and took place outside under a tree. Trips taken outside are more outward for me, because I enjoy communing with my surroundings. I wanted to feel that I am one with the Universe, with the white fire of love, but decided to learn whatever the Universe wanted to teach me.

And indeed I did learn that I am One--with most of the people I could think of. Without ever knowing what was between me and my father and with no resolution of the difficulties, I realized that he and I are One.

I am One, I am One, I am One. It's all anybody ever needs to know. There really are no separate beings. I see that the Universe laughs because all this separateness is simply funny. We are the ones who think we're not One. The trees know it, everything on our Earth knows it, the cosmos knows it, but we don't know it. I say to the tree, we are One. The tree laughs and says, "Ha ha, you finally got it!"

Getting the full blast of I am One was delicious. The Universe roars with laughter when another individual bites the dust, and I bit it that day.

I am One is the basic fact of the Universe. The Universe says all the time, I am One, I am One, I am One. I need to keep saying it so that I'll never forget it again--I am One, I am One, I am One.

I am One, you are One, he is One, she is One, but the joke is on us, because it's all the same One.

In the weeks after the session: At a concert realized that I am One with the musicians; found that I get much more of the message of music; saw racism as one part of a body attacking another part of the same body; saw that everything is absolutely ephemeral and at the same time eternal. Nothing is ever lost--it's all manifestation and gift to and from a Universe of pure love. It already is on Earth as it is in Heaven.

I had more morning periods of despair, grief, and desire to give up and die because of being condemned to loneliness. The land heals me. Felt that I held murderous rage against my father and controlled it by shutting him out of my psyche entirely. I felt the same murderous rage against my poor husband, who did nothing to deserve it! Saw how I've judged men on the basis of negative stories told by their women, starting with my mother. It turned me against men, and I seem to have judged them on her behalf all these years.

Saw that the Universe accepts everything as part of itself--it does not judge. We judge. I have lost most of my tendency to judge.

I became aware of an inner aspect of myself that sits in perpetual stillness and meditation.

SESSION VI: For this session I was attended by two dear friends in my living room. First I had a short dialogue with Love, asking it to take me over. It told me I was a tough nut to crack, and I said to keep trying.

The deep, deep breathing under MDMA made me aware that I was breathing in some substance that was not love, but was beyond Love somehow. It was an essence that had more body than vapor but roiled and moved as vapor does. It was a shimmering light gold in color. I inhaled it deeply and took it into all the cells of my body. I was surrounded by it, permeated by it, breathing it in. I wanted to let go and join it, but it said No--I have to operate on the worldly plane, but the worldly plane is sacred, too. This essence is something that is all around us all the time and if we're aware of it, we can let it into us at any time. I had thought the Essence behind love would be dark, but it was lit from within, not bright, but glowing. I drew it into the furthest corners of my being. My attendant said I looked like someone who had just given birth, and my baby's name was Love.

In the days following I felt that I was being taught to receive love; I wept a lot for unknown sadnesses from my past; lost the inner tendency to react with violence; saw again my own shallowness and lack of depth; pooh-poohed the mdma experience for the silly golden essence; and decided that I had to get to my deepest hangups and mdma could not do it for me.

The next morning my psyche lay open all the way to the bottom. There I saw a concrete bunker defended by flamethrowers. As I watched it the next few days, it was disarmed and became empty and abandoned.

A few days later a flower sprouted from the abandoned bunker. It was red, but the petals were pink, and they kept on growing, becoming fuller and stronger as the days went by. I felt this to be my deep feminine self, which had been walled off during my whole life. The considerable pain of realizing that I had lived my life without this deepest part of myself caused a lot of tears during the next week or so. I faced the waste of a great part of my life potential, and there was nothing to be done about it.

I felt completely healed and saw that anyone can be completely healed simply by accepting it. I saw that all our lives are holy and that I am become more whole through these sessions.

SESSION VII: I was unattended for this session, in which I asked for further deepening and expansion, opening to God, and continuing trash removal.

I felt my soul yearned toward God, flying in search of God, and saw that God was the basic You we all relate with. I saw that God is not somebody out there, not a remote intelligence--God is the basic Thou. In every other you we relate with, we find the big, basic Thou. I felt like a child who was running, running, running, and jumping for joy.

The great Thou showed itself to me and then faded into the distance again. I have to learn to be an I to this Thou, this great You, and ultimately to be you to the great I. I have learned to treat everyone as though they're Thou. I'm a child again, jumping and laughing because of this. It's wordless, it's just prayer.

Then I came to a pool of deep peace, silence, pure being. It's not ecstasy, it's pure being, the place where all activity ends. It's pure peace. This lasted for the rest of the session--a very inward trip.

Since the session: I feel different, quieter inside, more deeply centered. Thought I never wanted to do it again, then changed my mind again. I mourn my unlived life but still live in bliss. I'm getting better organized, making decisions more easily, and my intuition is becoming stronger. I look back over the major mistakes of my life, wondering why I did those things, but mainly expect it all to be healed. I yearn to love my parents unconditionally, letting go of all regrets and guilt, no forgiveness needed. I want deeper and stronger intuition, seeing, want to be based wholly in love. I feel a sense of purpose forming itself.

I want a healthy and positive image of the masculine, want to accept all aspects of the masculine. Am beginning to understand men.

I'm not going to apologize to myself anymore for the way I've lived my life. I feel that my life has been a success but can't say why I think that.

I want ongoing expansion, opening, deepening, purpose, understanding, and soaring out to find the Beloved. I want to be more and more in the place of silence and peace.

Many of the things I want are already so as time goes on. Now that I know what to want, it will all be so.

SESSION VIII. In this session I found that deep happiness is simply my normal state of being, and it's where the human race should go. The entrenched establishment is against it, but that will dissolve.

At one point it felt as though honey were running through my system, and a bit later that my whole body was full of light. I guess it's enough to work on for a while.

It also was clear that deepening of soul is necessary to support more opening of the heart. The soul-root goes deep into primordial mud to give stability and nourishment.

NOTE: At this point in the process, the subject decided to take a four to six month vacation from further explorations, giving ample time to integrate and put into effect what has been learned.

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